Varmints in the Garden: The Series
If you missed previous installments, you can catch up here:
Chapter 1: The Beginning
Chapter 2: The Unexpected Visitor
Chapter 3: The Interviews
Chapter 4: The Resort
The following is based on a true story. Over the course of several months, John sent emails to his family and friends, detailing the adventures he was having trying to rid his garden of pesky critters. An update was sent out every few days, keeping us informed of the progress. We enjoyed the process and began to look forward to each email. Installments of this series will keep you hanging on the edge of your seats, waiting for more. (Posted with permission and encouragement from the man himself…)
Chapter 5: A Sad Day For Possum #27
From: John
Subject: Possum #27
Subject: Possum #27
WELL, it happened again last night. Another possum was messing with the bird feeders soooo – traps were set, etc..
The following obituary will appear in the Gitchee Gummee Star Tribune and Possum Trot newspaper tomorrow. You may remember the Gitchee Gummee Resort, Cafe, Truck Stop, and No-Tel Motel. A copy of the obituary will also go to the Hu Flung Dung Chinese Restaurant (with outside dining weather permitting).
Mr. O. Possum passed away today at the estimated age of 4 years and three months. Mr. Possum had a long history of tearing up gardens, melon patches, bird feeders, and tomato patches. He was well known for teaching other assorted varmints to do the same and was awarded the “Order of the Garden Varmints” the highest award a varmint can receive for his academic excellence and his wide grin when eating melons.
Mr. Possum is survived by 239 sons and daughters, 453 grandchildren, and countless cousins, nieces and other relatives. He once said he was related to all the possums west of the Mississippi River and no one doubted that.
The cause of death was a sudden infusion to the brain of a lethal metal called “lead in the head” or “surprise between the eyes”. Apparently, this was not self-inflicted and the owner of the gardens, tomato patches, melon patches and okra farm, one Mr. Wheeler is suspected of foul play. A Los Angeles detective, Mr. Joe Friday has been contacted to get “just the facts, Ma’am.” Mr. Friday has experience with this sort of crime and once worked on a case where Mr. Wheeler was suspected of Possumknapping as several possums near his garden had disappeared.
Services for Mr. Possum were held this morning in the back yard of Mr. Wheeler’s home as he has custody of the remains which were donated to the assorted varmints that roam the creek bed behind the home of Mr. Wheeler.
Memorials can be made to the Wheeler Garden Restoration Project.
(NOTE: That this is possum #27 in the past 18 months in addition to 6 raccoons, three housecats, and one red squirrel)
I guess it is obvious that I don’t have much to do today.
–Trapper John/Dad
It is evident that Trapper John has a very real Varmint problem. Tell us your worst garden pest story!
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